The Ballad of The Bush Leagues

Part 19, Autopilot

One thing he's learned about the Executive Branch:
No reason it can't be run from the ranch.
While Condoleeza does the heavy liftin',
Sends him the palms that need ticklin'

Say Putin for instance, needs a little assistance
But Condi's on his ass about quashing the resistance
She wants to help him with the separatists but
Not if he's gonna' suspend parliament.

So she dials the phone painted red,
Connects right to Dubya's head,

[CONDOLEEZA]
"We have a problem with Alexander.
Feed him all the beef he can handle."

"Condi, just send him to The Chapel.
And come back soon, I miss you when you travel."
Just like that, Putin's back at The Ranch
Where's he's one Walker Ranger's favorite guests.

"Alex, you talk to me straight in the eye
And you know you're my favorite international guy –
How 'bout passin' me a little rib eye?
Save some room for dessert!"

[PUTIN]
"George, I love your beefy treats –
At home they put too much sauce in the meat –
You must help Russia in her quest to defeat
The terrorists we've pledged to beat."

"Pooty, I know you've got a tough job
Keepin' down that Chechonian mob,
But you've got to use some tact
When you roll the Constitution back."

[PUTIN]
George, you're right, I should follow your lead--
Please, another slice of meat--
But how do you look so nice
While you tighten your power vise?"

"Take my hand and let's have a prayer
We've both got Jesus as our savior...

[DUBYA TAKES PUTIN'S HAND]
Lord, help Pooty to glow from within
When the neighborhood gets tough for him

"May he never think twice or waver
When making those big decisions.
In His name we pray. You
Ready for some peaches flambé?"

Laura floats in, to Putin's relief,
Bearing the syrupy flaming treat
George has loved since he was a kid,
Though Jeb always ate more than he did.

"Honey, you remember Pooty from Russia...."

[LAURA BUSH]
"George! How could I forget?
He always tells me 'Nyet!'
Has Ludmilla arrived just yet?"

[PUTIN STANDS POLITELY]
"Ludmila couldn't make it...
Some last minute business, you see
But my meat was superb and your Flaming Thing
Is quite a surprise to me."

[LAURA]
"Why yes, of course, Alexander,
I'm glad you enjoyed your meal.
I no longer cook but the chef and I take
Our partnership seriously.

"Please give my best to your family.
I do hope you'll stay the night.
George says you're a black belt and
I'd love some lessons;
I tuck him in just after 9."