The Ballad of The Bush Leagues

Part 16, The Debates

The convention shows have come and gone
Now the race is officially on:
Kerry & Edwards are the nominees to
Overthrow Junior & Dicky C.

The veteran's poise and the rookie's smile
Could be a winning ticket.
Tonight's the first test, the first debate,
Will Kerry start fast or get stuck at the gate?

He should have an edge in this unscripted format,
He's got a change to show his smarts.
Here we go, the first question:

[JIM LEHRER]
"Are you hard on terror or soft?"

[KERRY]
"The war in Iraq is a terrible mess,
The right idea but the wrong address,
Before I voted no I voted yes and I'm
Hoping you'll hear me out."

Well spoken and firm!
Bush seems to squirm
then gathers himself
For rebuttal –

[DUBYA DISPLAYS BUMP ON HIS BACK]
"That's no talk for a Commander in Chief
How best it is to keep the peace
To protect this country in the world
So the flag remains unfurled."

Is he OK? He seems to be struggling with
All of the hard-workin' thoughts that he's juggling.
Maybe he didn't eat lunch;
He looks tired and his back is hunched.

"An ideoIogy of hate is what they are,
I understand the stakes of this war –
No doubt it’s hard work in Iraq
And to carry this thing on my back."

Bush sputters along,
Kerry stays calm,
Taunting Dubya with
His own damn song

[KERRY]
"I'll hunt and kill the terrorists
With help from the United Nations.
I'll give our troops the armor they need and
Put ketchup in all of their rations.

"Mr. President, you've squandered our
goodwill abroad.
When you should have used your mind
you brandished your rod
And now all the world on our
flag does trod.
It's clearly time for a change."

Wow, this race is heating up more
Quickly than expected.
I thought Boy George would sail on through
With the style he's perfected:

Crack a little joke,
Warn us of some danger,
Marvel at his ascent to
President from Texas Ranger...

Today that won't be enough.
Today the questions are tough.
A thousand soldiers have paid the price for
Calling Sadaam's last bluff.

And that's just the foreign relations;
There's work to be done here at home.
The domestic situation is the
Subject of their next confrontation –

[KERRY HOLDING BOTTLE OF KETCHUP
"Take away the war on terror and
The President looks like a four-year error,
The architect of a towering debt,
The destroyer of our social safety net..."

I try to listen but I can't stay awake
Until i hear the guy's a fake!
His fellow soldiers say he was soft
Got a medal for shooting his own hand off.

"I went to The 'Nam, I saw the shit
I enlisted and did my duty
My opponent spent the war on booze and blow...
What do they want from me?

"Theresa Heinz-Kerry, let's take off to Vegas,
Get a feel for the Western People.
Jerry Brown, that dear fellow, sent me some tickets...
He says Linda Ronstadt is playin'!"

[KERRY EXITS]

[LINDA RONSTADT ON STAGE SINGING]
"... on Bluuuue Bayyyyy-ouuuu.

"Thank you. Roy Orbison wrote that song.
This next one is by the Eagles.
It's called "Desperado" and I'd like to
Dedicate it to Michael Moore."

[CROWD]
"BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO!"

[RONSTADT HAULED OFFSTAGE]